This House Is Empty Now When They Are Gone, Am I Alone?
Today in my house everything is quiet, except for the noise from the air conditioner. I hear the birds out the window and I am looking for them but I can’t see them, they are gone too, same as my children. Their chorus is familiar but still new and strange … I have never heard them so loud singing, never, because of my children. But today I can hear almost everything, even my own thoughts.
My children are with their father today. They are playing with him, in the new home that he has made for himself and them, separate from me, far from me. This situation is our new normal. These 2 days, when they aren’t here it is so very quiet. Everything is peaceful and the silence is my new friend. Should I get used to it or?
When they are with me all the house is messy and their voices are loud: they fight all the time over what to play or watch on the TV, what to eat … But in all that mess and all the toys around me, especially when I step on a lego, I find my way out, a way that shows me all the happiness and joy….my children, my life, my everything!
But today the house is clean, their beds remain the way they left them yesterday morning before they went with him. There aren’t any toys around me, and finally, I can say that I can eat what I want to, I can drink what I want to and sleep as long as I want to. And I can actually take a phone call that lasts more than three minutes.
Am I a bad mother for admitting this? Am I? No my other voice of my head says: No You are an excellent mother, you make everything impossible possible for them, laugh with them, learn with them, cook for them, you buy their favorite snacks, the laundry you still do for them and most important you love them!
You didn’t want your children to live in one unhealthy environment. You are a good mother!
I go over in my mind again and again and I count my regrets and woes– I realize this is a pointless exercise, the past cannot be undone, its the way it should be. I have to live for today and for the children that of course, I was meant to have. I know that I was created to create them. They cancel out all of the bad.
And even though I am alone when they are gone, I am never without them completely because I always carry them in my prayers and my heart; for they are the parts of me that make it beat the most.
I’m not alone!
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